watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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