my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
