my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It was confusing and full of hummus
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
