I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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