just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize