I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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