i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
