Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
