She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Drake has all the answers
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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