A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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