This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
