Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
