new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize