I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
