anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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