Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
