i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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