the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize