i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
