I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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