and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
