My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
