Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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