textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
