I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize