lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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