remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
