i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
