don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
