I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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