I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
