Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You work out of a Hotel?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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