I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize