I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
