I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
