I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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