I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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