why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
