I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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