Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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