So drunk its hurt
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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