I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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