I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize