I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
