my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
