Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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