no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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