Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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