I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We had sex on a dog bed..
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
All I want is dick and wine.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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