Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
