dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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