WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
