Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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