oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
