Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
