She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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