I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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