Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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