i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
